I had been working in a bank but I quit my work so I could join my Husband. Life here is not what I expected. The system is so different here and I am finding it difficult to get used to. One thing is I don't go out often and I am always at home. My husband does not approve of making friends because he thinks they would be a bad influence. After my second month of staying here, I got a job in one of the department stores, but due to my accent they kept on cutting my working hours so I could not get earn a lot. I stopped that work because I wasn't earning much anyway.
I want to go to school to do my masters but seeing that it can be expensive, my husband thinks we should work and save money for sometime. Life here is very boring, your neighbors do not talk to you, I don't have any family here and most times I don't like talking because of my accent.
I have been contemplating on whether to go back home to Nigeria to look for work. That way I can be coming over here for Holidays. I am also trying to influence my husband to move back to Nigeria but he prefers to stay here. The thing is how can I even get a job in Nigeria when I have not been doing anything substantial here for the past 7 months?
I have spoken to some of my friends over here and they think I should just be patient because it takes time to get used to the system. The thing is I don't see the situation getting better because apart from not being able to start school anytime soon, I really don't have any friends/family here that I can talk to. I have increased my dress size and I don't feel as happy as I used to feel in Nigeria.
I want advice on what to do because I don't like my current situation
I got this mail from a blog visitor who wishes to be anonymous.
Take it easy dear. It will soon get better once u get something to keep you busy. But please do not leave ur husband alone there. A lot women married to guys abroad wish dey wr in ur position wr you went with him immediately after marriage. I think you and ur husband should go out more and enjoy life and make friends. But I totally understand how u feel.
ReplyDeleteYes! Don't make the mistake of leaving him behind because there are many lonely ladies here wanting a companion, they would leech on him.
DeleteGoing out cost money. It is not like in Nigeria where you attend weddings, naming ceremonies, church activities or visit relations or friends. The outing places here are mostly theaters, dinners and shows and church. Depending on the husband's job and his income, they have to save every dime after paying all bills.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
DeleteUr husband is a selfish goat I'm sorry for not allowing u to make friends! He is allowing his insecurity to hold u back that's just wrong on every level. U need to have a heart to heart with him and also seek God's face on what's next. 'in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your part'. Use this free time to develop your relationship with God, find a local charity and volunteer. will be praying 4 ya
ReplyDeleteIt is not about selfishness but the reality on ground. The system does not allow you to make friends because everybody is out hustling. Nobody has time for visiting and the Nigeria community here gossip a lot because they are few. The truth is that it is a lonely life when you don't have a Job, husband or children to keep you busy.
DeleteMy dear I understand you it took me about 2 years to actually fit in here(UK) and for those two years I constantly thought of leaving my husband and going back to Nigeria . You just have to be patient and try to appreciate the life there. Maybe you should try getting another job because its a lot easier when you have to leave the house every day and it will help your accent as well when you talk to people every day.
ReplyDeletewats d actual cost of ur palmer cocoa butter?
ReplyDelete@lifeofanafricanimmigrant.
I get it for about $5.30...I normally buy it from Target
DeleteTAC, this anon thinks u r the person in ur pic. Please correct her
DeleteHi Anon, I am not the one in the pic. I took this picture from google. I can however assure you that the cocoa butter works very well. I have even been told that the shea butter works better.
DeleteHello poster,I can understand where u r coming from cos I ve bn in the path when I travelled to uk though nt to see hubby,it was very boring and noone even ve ur time as they all go to work.my advice is for u to erase the option of coming bk to Nig first from ur mind bcos u came to stay with ur husband and nt just for a visit.then try to talk to ur husband abt the restriction of nt making frds over there cos the good frds there can link u up to a good job opportunity where u ll be able to associate and with time ur accent ll improve to the hearing of the whites.its well and all will be fine.for the main time,sign up on skype and talk to your frds ard there and make new ones.
ReplyDeleteWell,I think maybe ur expectations were too high to start with. U need to give urself tym to adjust and settle down...this will take some tym cos of the different culture and lifestyle over there. U need to find sumtin to do to occupy ur tym cos I know its hard staying home witout aving anytin to do. U can take a couurse(maybe makeup,cooking, etc) while waiting to do ur masters or u can try for anoda job even if the money isn't much,just anytin to keep u busy and help u get used to d culture as quick as possible and learn the accent. It shldnt be dat hard to learn the accent,I think. Or u could start ur family asap? Ur husband should also try and be more understanding of ur plight,doesn't he av friend or colleaugues whose wife u could be friends with,@ least to help u settle down faster? He must be selfish cos he dsnt want u to be influenced. Dsnt he trust u to be the good woman he married no matter wat? But Don't ever think leaving ur husband to come back to naija will solve ur problem cos it wnt. U can even lose ur marriage to some oda available girl when u re nt there. So try all u can to settle down and u will soon look back and laugh @ what u re saying now. Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteI don't think he is selfish but just cautious. Some Nigeria friends can get one into trouble. You know how we women can talk and advise each other forgetting we grew up from different backgrounds, having different approach to problems.
DeleteA Nigerian woman had to send people to beg her husband when he moved back to UK from USA, when he could no longer bear her attitude. She works as a nurse earning more than her husband, and has lot of friends.He came back after she promised to change for good. It was that period she knew, she did not have true friends, because everybody was concerned about their own family. Here, everybody is on your own!
Well,I think maybe ur expectations were too high to start with. U need to give urself tym to adjust and settle down...this will take some tym cos of the different culture and lifestyle over there. U need to find sumtin to do to occupy ur tym cos I know its hard staying home witout aving anytin to do. U can take a couurse(maybe makeup,cooking, etc) while waiting to do ur masters or u can try for anoda job even if the money isn't much,just anytin to keep u busy and help u get used to d culture as quick as possible and learn the accent. It shldnt be dat hard to learn the accent,I think. Or u could start ur family asap? Ur husband should also try and be more understanding of ur plight,doesn't he av friend or colleaugues whose wife u could be friends with,@ least to help u settle down faster? He must be selfish cos he dsnt want u to be influenced. Dsnt he trust u to be the good woman he married no matter wat? But Don't ever think leaving ur husband to come back to naija will solve ur problem cos it wnt. U can even lose ur marriage to some oda available girl when u re nt there. So try all u can to settle down and u will soon look back and laugh @ what u re saying now. Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteWell,I think maybe ur expectations were too high to start with. U need to give urself tym to adjust and settle down...this will take some tym cos of the different culture and lifestyle over there. U need to find sumtin to do to occupy ur tym cos I know its hard staying home witout aving anytin to do. U can take a couurse(maybe makeup,cooking, etc) while waiting to do ur masters or u can try for anoda job even if the money isn't much,just anytin to keep u busy and help u get used to d culture as quick as possible and learn the accent. It shldnt be dat hard to learn the accent,I think. Or u could start ur family asap? Ur husband should also try and be more understanding of ur plight,doesn't he av friend or colleaugues whose wife u could be friends with,@ least to help u settle down faster? He must be selfish cos he dsnt want u to be influenced. Dsnt he trust u to be the good woman he married no matter wat? But Don't ever think leaving ur husband to come back to naija will solve ur problem cos it wnt. U can even lose ur marriage to some oda available girl when u re nt there. So try all u can to settle down and u will soon look back and laugh @ what u re saying now. Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteDey say anytin way go end well, no dey sweet 4m start!
ReplyDeleteU shld be patient ooo, ppl ar desperate to live dis country, n findin a job in naija isn't beans oo!
U shld try n find ways to amuse urself, read novels, find a routine activity lik goin to tk coffee at a coffee shop mayb u mite meet anoda naija lik u dia!
Ur gettin used to a new environ, wld tk time, don't make a hasty decision, cos som1 somwia envys u!
Goodluck n cheers!
I understand poster.
ReplyDeleteMay i suggest you should exercise more patience and get involved in church activities if you can.
Or do a lot of window shopping, buy novels from thrift shops to read?And do a lot of blog reading?
Please do not leave your husband behind or convince him to relocate back to Nigeria, because he would always blame you if things don't work out well.
Best of luck.
Agreed!
DeleteIt is a lonely life abroad because the system is built in a way that you can mostly meet people at work places and make friends from there.
ReplyDeleteIf you can drive, go to the malls to feast your eyes, looking out for clearance sales, you can start a business by buying items on sales little by little until it accumulates and send them to Nigeria to be sold for you by trusted relation or friend.
But if you don't drive or have only a car, then you have to learn on how to entertain yourself with what you like best. Is it cooking, sewing or reading? All information is at your fingertip, just a click away.
Don't make the mistake of coming back to Nigeria, because you would be leaving a vacuum in your matrimonial home to be occupied by another person.
I love reading, so i occupy my time reading either a book or from blogs.I have just one Nigerian friend, we see once in 3-4 weeks, but talk on the phone everyday for few minutes. I also watch Nigeria films on you-tube.
@Poster,
ReplyDeleteBe happy you have a companion. When you start a family, the loneliness would reduce.
The akata and singles you see talking about independence 'ish' suffers from loneliness and can do anything to have a man they can call their own! This is why their men are more of playboys and gigolos, doing little or no work, because as long as they are attractive and good on bed, the women are ready to foot all the bills, while he warms her bed especially during long winter days. So your husband don't want you to be influenced with all these negative attitude of i-am-independent, or i-dont-take-crap-from-men, but silently they are dying of depression caused by loneliness!
The Nigeria community is not cooperative like the lations, indians and chinkos. The PHD syndrome, why-must-he-be-better-than-me-mentality, make-i-chop-this-guy-small-attitude- followed them from home. We have had our experience, so we avoid our fellow Nigerians unless we cannot help it.But always alert.
My dear, be thankful, and make best of what you have. With time you would settle down.
I most certainly know how u feel, because as i think we both came to the USA almost at the same time, the only difference is that in my case its me joining my mum and my sisters, but the lifestyle here is so different from Nigeria. I will tell you to go get another job, i too once worked at a Hardware store even tho back home i was working for a telecommunication Company. Please do keep an open mind. My sister told me that its until i complete 3 years before i get used to the system. It will get better, i kept an open mind and when i talk to people they find it hard to believe that i have not be here for up to 1year. Please do go and get another job, you are not the only one with accent in the whole of america. With time you will get over it.
ReplyDeleteYes.....You are not the only one with an accent in the world if I may concur. Everyone has an accent. How then do you know someones ethnic affiliation. Most times it comes to "Oh my gosh ....I love your accent!." I always reply " I love yours too" and it shuts them up. I have had an instance when the lady told me " Oh no. I do not have an accent" and I replied "if you say so".
DeleteThanks to everyone for their comments. I thought my situation was only peculiar to me but gud to know its not only me. I think I just have to patience and hope that things change. As for the job I will start another one very soon. Your comments have changed how I see things now
ReplyDeleteI know where ure coming from. I'd suggest u attend church programs, maybe a RCCG. You will meet people and decide if you want to develop friendships there but you'd have activities to keep you busy. They may also have job opportunities announced to members. Nigerians ( and some ghanaians) here in the US can be quite invasive and nosy so ur hubby maybe trying to protect u from bad influence. My hubby told me same but I thought he was exaggerating till I saw some of it.
ReplyDeleteAlso you guys could start a family asap, that 'll keep u busy. Infact u'd miss these days. If you have ur I.d u can get a library card and go occupy yourself there or get books to take home.
If you're driving, go sight seeing.....not everything costs money. Go to the mall. Look for your city's community center and take random classes. They're very cheap and a great place to meet people. Look online for volunteering opportunities. Join the gym and take group classes or Take walks around ur neighborhood. U dont even need the gym if you cant afford it. Just walk. The internet is your best bet to find activities in your area, use it. Or go use it at the library. Look for job openings in local papers. Ask at Mc donalds ( if u dont mind) verizon wireless or other telecom companies.
Soon stores will start hiring for the holidays so start looking. Walk up to the staff, sales clerks, managers to ask if you can drop your cv.
It will take time to integrate into the system but keep trying. US and Nigeria are worlds apart.
Sweetheart while you are looking for a paying job please look into volunteering in the meantime within your area am sure there are loads of places you can volunteer, keep an open mind be proactive, start a blog, do hair anything it is not easy to fit in fast especially if you came as an adult after you graduated in Nigeria do not let your accent be a hindrance what you need is to build your confidence there are pple with thicker accents who are doing quite well in their jobs its all about confidence and a good attitude. Join a church group with similar interests to yours and with time you will make friends. No one will know you exist if you stay indoors all the time. For example you go to church and there is an event coming up soon and they need volunteers raise your hand do not wait to be called. Check your local papers/listings for places you can help out a few times a week or hours a day.
ReplyDeleteHonestly wishing I'm in ur shoes rather than being in my room in kano, just lost my job, no boyfrd and any place to go and no NEPA to bring light so atleast one can even watch tv pls try and make the best out of ur life and don't come back o . Gudluck
ReplyDeleteWhat you are going through is culture shock and it is normal. But you need to keep an open mind to get through it in one piece.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is right about shielding you from making friends with Nigerians. some of the women go there to form their miss independence club because the system gives them so much power over their husbands. That is what your hubby is afraid of and he is right. just have a heart to heart talk with him and find out if he knows even one woman who is down to earth who you can be friends with. You don't need that many friends abroad. Also, assure him that you have heard stories of what wives do to their husbands that you will never go out of your way to be mean to him neither will you be influenced by the bad eggs.
Try and forget about your position in Nigeria, how you used to have lots of money and bought anything you wanted at your own will. I say this because I guess that's why you want to go back home and find a job. Be patient and manage anything hubby can provide for you now because he is the only one working in the family. You may have to go back to school to get a job you want and if hubby does not have money for that now, pls be patient. ....
... Life abroad is lonely. Your husband is your best friend, your mother, your father, your sibling and your ally. he means well, having met you over the phone, married you and brought you over within a short time. Use this period to get to know him better and bond with him.
ReplyDeleteYes we speak English back home but learning to speak American English is like learning a new language. Watch lots of American TV (even if you don't understand them at first) and practice the pronounciations. Not saying you should fake your accent but try to pronounce words properly (we don't really pronounce words correctly in naija) and speak up when talking ie don't mumble. That way, people will find it easier to understand you. There are lots of fun programmes on American TV and there is always power supply.
Use this opportunity to cook special delicacies for your hubby because I guess he is working very hard at this time, hence your loneliness. Welcome him home and say some nice words to him for his efforts. When you start a full time job, or even start working 2 jobs, there won't be time to do lots of things and you would be yearning for all the free time you have now.
You can learn a language. Having knowledge of the Spanish language makes you more employable especially if you live in Texas or any of the southern states.
Learn to enjoy your own company because everybody is busy working. Going back to Nigeria will not solve the problem because keeping 2 homes in 2 continents has its own problems and frustrations.
TAC, I also thought that was your pic., although it doesn't matter. Lifting photos from Google as you said you did is common practice by some, just make sure the owner of the posted pic., doesn't have something called copyright infringement rights, US & Lawsuits. Whoever the pic., belongs to is very pretty though and maybe uses Cocoa Butter as well. She looks like a young Cicely Tyson who I thought it was in her earlier years, but forget it I am just saying. You can use one of your photos without showing your full face like Ladun Liadi and that way your blog visitors wouldn't feel misled. Back to the topic posted, whoever this person may be, you, a friend or just a regular, patience is a virtue and Shot - Gun Marriages as they are called could be worked out and last a long time. The wife should Volunteer and get out more because staying indoors and feeling miserable could lead to depression and other problems which might end the marriage. Make friends cautiously and don't get too close. Try being friends with someone of a different National with a similar culture - Indian, Brazilian or Asian who wouldn't take offense when you voice an opinion about something and who can be done away with if the friendship is heading south and Just live and learn. When you start having your own family, you wouldn't have time for so called friends because by then the almighty would have made them for you. Just pray.
ReplyDeleteTAC, I also thought that was your pic., although it doesn't matter. Lifting photos from Google as you said you did is common practice by some, just make sure the owner of the posted pic., doesn't have something called copyright infringement rights, US & Lawsuits. Whoever the pic., belongs to is very pretty though and maybe uses Cocoa Butter as well. She looks like a young Cicely Tyson who I thought it was in her earlier years, but forget it I am just saying. You can use one of your photos without showing your full face like Ladun Liadi and that way your blog visitors wouldn't feel misled. Back to the topic posted, whoever this person may be, you, a friend or just a regular, patience is a virtue and Shot - Gun Marriages as they are called could be worked out and last a long time. The wife should Volunteer and get out more because staying indoors and feeling miserable could lead to depression and other problems which might end the marriage. Make friends cautiously and don't get too close. Try being friends with someone of a different National with a similar culture - Indian, Brazilian or Asian who wouldn't take offense when you voice an opinion about something and who can be done away with if the friendship is heading south and Just live and learn. When you start having your own family, you wouldn't have time for so called friends because by then the almighty would have made them for you. Just pray.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a matter of being selfish but the truth here is that even ur friends here will get u in trouble,I remember ordering a sandwich once and the lady at the counter burst out laughing at me cos I asked for mayonnaise instead of mayo . I truly understand wat you are going through but take things easy. Ps I have gone up 2 American dress sizes
ReplyDeleteI have experienced such. The annoying thing is that it is fellow black Americans that make a mockery of our accents! The whites and browns, would politely ask excuse me? A black American once said we speak rubbish English! Imagine! Akata, that speaks in slangs that the white men can barely understand. A white man once told me he likes Nigerian accent. I don't watch black American movies, because i barely understand their words, unless written out. I simply learned how to speak slower and clearer, because they say we speak too fast.
DeletePlease contact me about ways to get into graduate school with funding. Hopefully, your husband will agree to it when he sees that the school will pay your tuition. I do not charge by the way :), I am just a Nigerian that works in admissions here and I understand the tips to get an assistantship. If you can, reply my comment with an email and I will follow up.
ReplyDeleteHi pls my email is uchelawson111@gmail.com.. Had to create a new one..expecting your mail
DeleteCheck your email. Thanks!
DeletePlease i wish to know, wat part of the USA do you live in, if around houston, i will be interested also about the admissions issue
DeleteI am so happy you are getting good advice and about to start a new job.
ReplyDeleteLiving abroad makes a couple to bond closer unlike when in Nigeria. I have experienced both sides, and i would choose abroad over and over again. Be happy you are spared all the extended family 'ish', and housekeeping is less stressful. Grab the opportunities available and make the best use of it :)
You can say that again.I have been here close to three years now and I am also of the opinion that you should be patient.Here you'v got to pay your dues,whether you like it or not.You need to stop thinking and comparing your position now with the past one you had in Nigeria.I'm sure your husband has his reasons about you not having friends.You can have them but you have to be careful,for example Nigerian church friends is a no no(some are ok) but for the most part not so beneficial.If you can have friends in other nationality,this will help and also concerning your accent,you'v got to loosen up,learn to speak slowly,enunciating all the words.You will have a bit of the accent,people will tell you that,but you'v got to deal with it.People used to tell me I have accent,but I tell them everyone's one,in a minde-ur-business-i don't -give-a -hoot but kind way.There are a lot of things to do around.Look for associations where you can volunteer,google for groups around you where you meet people.And you will be ok.Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I have recently been searching for info
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i want to give thanks to the great DR Wisdom who help me in getting back my
ReplyDeleteex-boyfriend i saw a testimony post made by Sandra from Spain about how the
great DR Wisdom had helped her, i decide to email him and to my greatest
surprise my ex-boyfriend came back to me after three days of contacting
him.i simply want to say thanks for what he had done for me and am so happy
may he live long. if you have any problem just email him :
drlwisdomspelltemple@gmail.com and you will not regret contacting him...
Since my last boyfriend I have felt so lonely. You know that as I explained that thoroughly in my first email to you. I wished for my heart to be filled with love and happiness and you did that! I have met the perfect guy and I am to be promoted tomorrow at work! It seems that the gods are smiling at me and you are the reason why. I will be your faithful follower for ever. Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteThis is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me....My name
ReplyDeleteis vickey dam and I base in London...รข��My life is back!!! After 8 years
of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt
like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell
caster called Dr Okoro who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was
browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that
can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this
particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex
lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he
can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular
testimony I saw, it was about a woman called grace,she testified about how
Dr Okoro brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of
her testimony she drop Dr Okoro e-mail address. After reading all these,I
decided to give Dr Okoro a try. I contacted him via email and explained my
problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our
issues, and we are even happier than before. Dr Okoro is really a talented
and gifted man and i will not to stop publishing him because he is a
wonderful man...If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and
genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa ork
today, he might be the answer to your problem. Here's his contact:
Dr Okorotemple@gmail.com Thank you great ork. Contact him for the following:
(1)If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3)You want to be promoted in your office.
(4)You want women/men to run after you.
(5)If you want a child.
(6)[You want to be rich.
(7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8)If you need financial assistance.
(9)Herbal care
Contact him today on:
Dr Okorotemple@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteMy name is PEARL and...“My life is back!!! After 14 years of Broken
marriage, my husband left me and our two twins . I felt like my life was
about to end i almost commited suicide, i was emotionally down for a very
long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr odion which i met online. On
one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching
for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across alot of
testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that
he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure
cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop
divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about
a woman called sonia,she testified about how Dr Odion brought back her Ex
lover in less than 7 days and reverse the effect of their little boys
cancer, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr odions e-mail
address. After reading all these,I decided to give Dr odion
a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3
days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are
even happier than before. Dr odion is really a gifted man and i will not
stop
publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and
you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your
problems for you. Try Dr odion anytime, he might be the answer to your
problems. Here's his contact:drodionspelltemple@gmail. com. Thank you Dr
Odion
ReplyDeleteGREAT FATHER
HOW DR.ORIOMON HELP ME BRING BACK MY EX HUSBAND BACK TO ME
hello to the every one on this forum ; am here to share my experience with dr oriomon about what he just did for me last week , for helping to reunited with my ex lover Mavis who broke up with me after 2 years of relationship because of his families did not like our relationship . but after Dr oriomon of oriomonspiritualtemple@gmail.com has done his wonderful work for me i was so shock when i saw Mavis calls on phone asking me to come back to him that him is ready to stay with me and beg his families to love our relationship and he actually did so and with a support from DR ORIOMON his parents that never wanted to see both of us promise to sponsor our wedding by December as we are planing now . so with this great work done for me by DR oriomon i promise not to stop telling others about his good work in my life , so if any one also need his help here i will advice you contact him to via (oriomonspiritualtemple@gmail.com) bye
CLARA BENJAMIN _ CANADA
DR.ORIOMON THE GREAT MAN OF ALL SPELL CASTER
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